by W. Bruce Cameron, Internet Humor Columnist
http://www.wbrucecameron.com
Sent by Ann Hamilton
Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous
Celebrity in my community. I was asked to be a judge at a chili cook-off
because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in
sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the
judge's table asking directions to the beerwagon when the call came.
I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting.
So I accepted this as one of those burdens you endure when you're an
Internet writer and therefore known and adored by all.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove
dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight
Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.
CAMERON: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what
I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way
to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional
wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging
sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She
has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT
pick a fight with her.
Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more
beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red
peppers.
CAMERON: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a
Uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I
could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the
back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said
her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her
"Forklift."
Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish
for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
CAMERON: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was
unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills
so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at
me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled --- it's kinda cute.
(Golden Star Photo)
Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
CAMERON: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my
eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had
given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer
directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the
other judges asked me to stop screaming.
(Golden Star Photo)
Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
and garlic. Superb.
CAMERON: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.
Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about
Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
CAMERON: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull
the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are
covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some
point. Good, at my autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally,
save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was
not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too
painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll
just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files
people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.
Chili #8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for
all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
CAMERON: Momma...
